Dead on Arrival
by Charisma Brendon
Summary: Written for Buffy Survivor. Xander and Cordelia...do something. Not bad though. Man, you guys need to get your minds out of the gutter.


**Title:** _Dead on Arrival_

**Author:** Charisma Brendon

**Disclaimer:** Wit wasted on Lez's disclaimer? Check. Vaguely misleading title? Check. Idea for fic? Semi-check. Ownership of characters? No check. Damn. A check speaks a thousand words.

**BS Challenge One: Coffee, umbrella, match.**

**AN: **Ignore the long lines. The format wouldn't let me put in my normal breaks in randomness. :(

* * *

"Okay, who ate the last doughnut?" 

Cordelia rolled her eyes but continued flipping idly through her magazine. "Gee, Xander, I don't know. It's not as if you've been guarding the box since you brought them in. And, surely you aren't the only one that's touched them even though we're all by our lonesomes and I'm on the Atkins diet."

"I know there was still a Bavarian cream." Xander stared blankly at the box.

She ignored him.

His attention moved from the box to her. With a labored sigh, he threw it in the direction of the table and made a show of stretching his arms far above his head and dropping his right arm onto her shoulders.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

He faked a yawn.

She sighed in exasperation, but the corners of her mouth lifted. "Coffee?"

After getting no immediate response, she turned to see the 'O'-shape his mouth had taken. "You forgot," she concluded.

He tilted his head to the left side and exhaled loudly. "Yes. Yes, I did. In the excitement of doughnut-picking, I forgot that your parents love all technology _except_ the coffee-maker. I also forgot that unless they started making designer coffee, you would never set foot in a supermarket to buy it. But, I did remember to pick up a movie."

She groaned loudly. "Please not _Apocalypse Now_. Don't we see enough sweat stains in real life?"

He reached under himself and produced a DVD. "_Heathers_," he told her as he went to pop it in the DVD player.

"How very." She grinned, conveniently ignoring where Xander had been storing the movie.

He turned back to look at her and frowned in confusion. "Very what?"

She shook her head. "Never mind."

He shrugged.

* * *

"Do you think Christian Slater is cuter than me?" Xander asked in a high-pitched voice.

"God, Cordelia. Is this appropriate conversation?" he replied to himself with wide eyes.

She sighed impatiently. "I'm sure Giles will be glad to know that you won't give up your day job of fetching jelly doughnuts to take your act on the road."

"Hey! You know I'd make a good ventriloquist!"

She laughed. "Sure you would...if you weren't terrified of dummies."

Xander threw his hands in the air. "It was just the one! Why won't you people forget it?"

Cordelia smirked. "Maybe one day."

He cleared his throat and used his "Cordelia" voice again. "Oh Xander, why can't I get my hair that high?"

"Have you _ever_ tried to not be annoying?" Cordelia asked with a glare.

He nodded and shrugged a little. "To impress a girl, I drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath."

"Yeah, that's impressive."

"Not nearly as impressive as striking a match with my teeth."

"You can do that?" Her eyes widened a bit before she regained control of her reaction.

"No. Willow can, but she's always been kind of weird."

Cordelia nodded slightly. "I should have expected that."

* * *

The clap of thunder that accompanied JD's expiration startled them both.

"Nature has amazing timing," Xander stated with a slightly awed look.

"Whatever. I hope you brought an umbrella with you."

"You mean I'm not welcome here anymore? Is it because the toilet overflowed?" Xander asked, mockingly scandalized.

Cordelia abruptly sat up straight and glared at him in horror. "What? Mother is going to kill me! The carpet outside the door just arrived from Persia! Do you have any idea how much it was?" Cordelia grabbed at her neck as her breath caught in her throat and stayed there.

Xander watched his girlfriend hyperventilate. With a sigh, he grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "One, breathe! I was just kidding. Two, Persia doesn't exist. It's Iran now."

She glared at him - _If looks could kill_... - as her breathing regulated. "You..."

He nodded gravely. "Me. So, what do you want to watch now?" He grinned.

She took a deep breath and relaxed into the couch. "I don't care. How do you know it's Iran, anyway?"

"Willow."

"Figures. She does have to teach you everything."

* * *

**Fin.**

That was fun. We should do this again sometime.


End file.
